Getting It Right (By Mark Chidley)

 By Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP

Certified Practitioner, Rapid Resolution Therapy 

I'll bet some of you, like me, have noticed as you've listened to tapes, how Jon seems to capture the client at "Hello." That is, as you listen to him at work in the initial stages, he may not seem to be doing anything other than demonstrating understanding and asking a few peripheral questions about the participant's circumstances. But then as he slides into the next steps, he seems to have the participant eating out the palm of his hand. "Wow," you might be thinking; "I wish I had clients that easy!"

The truth is, part of why Jon gets such a strong connection time after time is that he is a very, very accurate diagnostician. I am using the term diagnostician here not in the DSM V sense of becoming a better labeler of pathology, but rather the sense of someone familiar with all the manifestations of "stuckness."

So the question becomes, how can we listen like him and formulate things to become more accurate diagnosticians. 

Specifically, how is this individual in front of me stuck right now? Long ago Milton Erikson said that the client would demonstrate a rigidity of thinking or approach specific to the area of their problem. They've looked at it the same way over and over and will articulate circular thinking to any who care to hear. It's here that Jon's out-of-the-box perspectives and facility with paradox and unusual juxtapositions comes in very handy.

But, we can learn to do this too. It starts with recognizing stuckness. There are at least four types of stuckness we can be listening for from the first moments:

Thinking from the negative

The disappearing present

Mistaking a condition for a quality, trait, or identity

Introspection

As we progress in training, we also learn about the penchant most people in our culture have for explaining problems either in terms of moralism or some kind of spiritual higher purpose. Against this Jon poses science, with its potential for realizing how limited our will power and range of choice really is, and hence, the possibility of gratitude and release from guilt, resentment, and blame. 

Actually, to culturally think about why people get screwed up is very useful in forming a target. Think about the dysfunctional messages females and males receive growing up. Think of how intolerant of differences we still are as a person and how this impacts some peoples' personal life experience. Think about how deep the roots go of anger and even violence in our culture as the default response to injustice. Think about the cultural breadth of the distortions broadcast out of our own profession and the resulting ubiquity of the desire to self-analyze, self-adjust, and the obsession over having enough self-confidence.

With this background in mind, I was recently struck by how deeply Jon listened to one young man's initial presentation on one of the training tapes (Ian, trauma):

"When I was younger I was a very hyperactive child, loud, and always had something to say. And I was given a very strong impression that that was not okay. So I became very stoic, and then I was eventually being given the impression that was not okay either. So I'm trying to figure out what is my personality first of all. And to what degree should I accept other people's input."

This man's experience was one of growing up in a very strict environment surrounded by a lot of social control, including a minister father who also was the school principal. The trauma of a series of severe, embarrassing reprimands and the meaning his mind put on of being a disappointment to his dad had been enough, with other life stuff, to push him into heroin dependency.

When it came time to outline the target, Jon said this:

"So, I hear. I've paid attention to what you said, and I get that the stuff that took place impacted on the way that the info processing thing has been working in such a way as to cause what you describe to me which is a, there's been a lack of clarity perhaps on how to feel and be and however to just feel and be hasn't been kicking in naturally and automatically. So that's our starting point, that's what's been problematic."

What's at work here is a highly developed ability to not get sidetracked by any of the red herrings the client may throw out, but to listen deeply for the core thing that needs adjusting. Jon gets that the child's meaning of being a disappointment had gotten embedded and fused on identity and had not budged since that time. And that the client's rigid solution of trying harder and harder to figure himself out wasn't working. Getting this right is a big part of the magic of connection that facilitates the shift.

I want to say that even more clearly and emphatically, if I can. Taking the time to really get the client's existential problem creates the leverage of a personally-tailored, accurate diagnosis that in turn enables a highly accurate target even as it acts like a magnet for a quality connection with the therapist. The connection with the therapist and the target's fit with the client's problem then paves the way to the client's (unconscious) abandonment of their rigidly stuck position and acceptance of the "magic" and embracing of the target.

From this point on Jon has Ian, and Ian pretty much just follows Jon into an updated, more natural way to be himself. Jon even enlists Ian's help in refining the specificity of the model and Ian actively joins in, remembering the future in which he will be outgoing and socially at ease.

If you think about your life, the most important shifts took place because of someone who "got" you and then hit you with an experience wherein you could see yourself differently. You didn't figure it all out with a series of decisions about your cognitions. You just saw it and moved toward it. It works the same for our clients. May we all be that kind of therapist.

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution (2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.  

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted? Guest Article by RRT Certified Practitioner Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP

By Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP

Certified Practitioner, Rapid Resolution Therapy 

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted? 

As I walk this land of broken dreams, 

I have visions of many things.


Love's happiness is just an illusion, 

Filled with sadness and confusion.

What becomes of the broken hearted 

Who had love that's now departed?

I know I've got to find
,

Some kind of peace of mind
, 

Maybe.

The fruits of love grow all around,


But for me they come a tumblin' down. 

Every day heartaches grow a little stronger, 

I can't stand this pain much longer!

I hope you took time to follow this link to hear the great Jimmy Ruffin singing this timeless hit. The brokenhearted represent a very special type of client we'll see from time to time, and a special kind of frozen grief. We know that most people will progress through several relationships in life, even marriage and divorce. As painful as the endings are, they recover, move on and eventually meet someone who fits for them. But we know as therapists there are some for whom the end of relationship is a kind of trauma. They get lost and seem stuck. 

As Ruffin sings, "Always moving, and goin' nowhere." They show some of the markers of trauma: numbing and derailment of life direction, dysphoria, intrusive thoughts, repeated flooding of sensory data at triggers connected with the relationship; but unlike the avoidance we see in the wake of trauma, we see rounds of painful rumination and replay; gravitation back toward the relationship even as it remains a source of pain. A tremendous pain keeps roiling around under the surface of everyday life. I've seen the brokenhearted keep texting, calling, emailing, like songbirds throwing their call into the air for the lost mate.

Without lengthy explanation, I want to round up a list some of the main principles from RRT and hit some of the life-changing conversational tactics used in transcripts with actual participants. This will both focus and improve our practice.

1. Ghost bust seminal events the participant's mind will bring - especially harsh endings and rejections. I recall a woman who remembered trying to rescue her alcoholic dad from a dangerous situation as a child, only to be decimated by his withering criticism when she went to her mother, the only adult in a position to act. She veered away from her dad in fear, and remained fearful, over-conciliatory and accommodating to the men in her life from that point forward. She entered new relationships in a fog and didn't get over them easily when they ended. She came wanting to break out of this pattern.
2. Clear distorted meanings. Especially the idea that one needs someone else to complete them and can only be okay if with someone else. There are several transcripts in which Jon shows the way to be okay with someone is to be okay without them. He demonstrates the effect of clutching on the arm in a needy way. People instinctively back off from this. He points out the reaction of the other is not even a conscious choice. You can't hold the attitude that your life can't work without the other in it and not produce that effect on someone.
3. Enroll people throughout the session in the view that transitions are a normal part of life. The amount of connection and closeness with people shifts, comes and goes like the tide. Construct a model that is at peace with this, able to go with the flow of it. It's no more personal than rain on some days or sun on others. It's not about them.
4. Instill acceptance of the expiration date on some relationships. Here we have the story of the guy forcing down sour milk. When asked why, he pines for former times when the milk tasted so sweet. A simple fact of life is this: sometimes relationships can't work between two people, no matter how hard they try. The relationship comes apart in time. The answer is to get more milk.
5. Get the participant to see that missing the person is a misfire. When something seems threatened or in jeopardy our inner mind attaches great value, indeed, makes it seem exceedingly valuable to get us to do something to protect it, even to the point of causing incredible anguish. Now the mind bringing something to awareness that it would be good to avoid is useful even when unpleasant - say like keying up fear when the house is on fire. But it sometimes turns on emotion when it's worse than useless and doesn't elicit any useful behavior - like the guy going into profound fear because the lady next to him in the elevator sneezes. Missing someone is the mind dysfunctioning like that. The question becomes, does all the obsessing, missing, ruminating lead to any useful behavior? If not, it's a misfire. What's more useful and positive is for the participant to be moving toward being close with someone when it's interesting; meaning, the conditions of it being beneficial and possible are both fulfilled and reciprocated.
6. When treating the heartbroken in the context of addiction recovery, get them to look at the impracticality of getting into a romantic relationship at this time. It's sort of like white water rafting where every move needs maximum attention and commitment to navigate the course and the person paddling starts musing, "Gee, I guess right about now would be the time to fall in love." The only thing crazier would be if another person in early recovery started thinking and acting in tandem with this, as so often happens.

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

There are many things in our oral and written materials that can assist in guiding the brokenhearted to being present rather than grief-stricken, tuned-up rather than needy, and enlightened rather than opening to more heartache. I hope you look through them and develop your own repertoire.

Mark

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution (2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.  

Overwriting - An RRT Technique

By Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP

Certified Practitioner, Rapid Resolution Therapy 

In 1865 Lewis Carroll wrote about a little girl, Alice, who follows a white

rabbit down a hole and enters a whole other world where a host of strange characters regularly turn logic on its head. She winds her way among them intermittently struggling with her own size and identity. Eventually she runs into the Queen of Hearts, whose vengeful demeanor and favorite saying, "Off with their heads!" has everyone intimidated. In the finale, Alice faces the Queenʼs wrath and calls her and her minions out as just a pack of playing cards. As they rush her, she awakens to find not playing cards but leaves all over her face, and safe back in her own world with her sister just in time for tea.

Overwriting is a term RRT Master Practitioner Melinda Paige coined for the powerful clean up that is done in Rapid Resolution Therapy relative to participants' destructive meanings. Some of us might say, "Oh, thatʼs just reframing," but I think what we're onto may be something more. Lets take a brief look at the way overwriting is used in our work.

Overwriting is typically used after a powerful connection has built up. In looking over many transcripts, I find Jon reserves most of the best overwrites for the end of the process, sometimes following ghost busting, sometimes intermingled with it. In other words, overwriting understands our work is not done until dysfunctional meanings are cleared. It assumes a substantial amount of collaboration and momentum toward target is already underway. This is set up by the first stages of the method, which open up access to the participant's inner mind, as we talk to it in ways it understands. We can understand why connection must build first, as we would only incur defensiveness or disagreement if we swung the wrecking ball right at the outset. 

Reframing, as it is conventionally used, might leave the participant still thinking it over or debating an alternative view in their mind as they leave. In RRT we invite the participant to not only look with us through another lens but if we are artful, to also step through the lens. We ask them to experience themselves differently as they see how life events haven't negatively defined them after all and in fact could be construed in a very different way. Overwriting seems like a much more powerful form of reframing as we combine it with the participatory aspects of connection. It's the difference between stopping a movie at several points in the theater to discuss it with the audience versus sitting beside the participant in the theater while the whole movie runs. It's a movie so compelling and totally involving that we both forget about the popcorn on our lap.

Some examples come readily to mind. Changing internal geography and identity is a huge overwrite, as we lead her through to the realization that the core of her was never touched by the abuse. This is so powerful as survivors often feel soiled or tainted by abuse. There are many overwrites in our lexicon relative to shame.

One of my favorites is the girl and her father:

"Get it outside of you for just a moment. A woman told me her father once kicked her across her room and left her locked in her closet all day. She said that was the moment she knew she was worthless. I said, I don't get that. If you and I saw a grown man beating up a kid out in the parking lot, and I asked you why these things are happening, your first answer wouldn't be, "Well isn't it obvious, the kid is worthless?" It wouldn't, would it? Maybe you'd say, boy, we just learned something about that guy. But we wouldnʼt have learned anything about the little kidʼs worth, would we?"

This overwrite, which also uses dissociating the story, usually has massive beneficial impact, as deeper mind gets how shameful behavior was located in the perpetrator from beginning to end and never got in even skin deep to the survivor. It is then free to just sluff off.

We all know the overwrite of science over moralism. It starts with the story of the tree branch that is down and casts the participant as teacher to a younger person, teaching a scientific view of causality versus preference, moralism, or blame. The younger person in the story is our participant who is still trapped in those viewpoints. It ends with the participant getting how gratitude replaces pride but also things like guilt, regret, resentment, and blame. They get it through and through that they did past events in the only way they could have at the time and things couldnʼt have possibly transpired in any other way. Moreover, those events are no longer in existence. The much better course is to be present, tuned up, and causative in the here and now. 

A final example is often found on the tail end of clearing abuse when we clear stories of parental neglect. Iʼve always liked how Jon will frame the parentʼs inaction or hurtful responses as neurologically disconnected at the time. It isnʼt that mom got up one morning and thought through the best way to screw her daughter up for the next 30 years. She just couldnʼt connect the dots at the time the participant-child came to her with the bad news of molestation.

Jon paints an accurate picture of the severe click-off that denial does in the mind when confronted with overwhelming bad news. "Itʼs like you tell this guy, ʻYour house is on fire,ʼ and he says, ʻThatʼs a very valuable house, Iʼm choosing not to believe you." The parentʼs mind literally couldnʼt take it in, therefore they couldnʼt connect the dots and couldnʼt have taken effective action. This often enables massive relief and a sense of peace for participants. Similarly, in other transcripts, physical beatings, suicides, rages while on drugs, all manner of out of control behavior is pictured as a neurological storm, chemicals running around in a badly disconnected brain. This overwrites the long-carried notion that the behavior was personally directed at them or meant something about them.

Like Alice of old, we powerfully wake participants up from the walking nightmare that came from the meanings their mind attached at the time. We overwrite that story quite forcefully, but artfully, with proper timing. Listen and watch for when Jon starts a sentence, "Let me tell you what happened there..." You may just pick up something that will help your participant step back through the looking glass into a more positive world, into a more positively embodied existence.

Mark

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution (2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.  

How To Learn Rapid Resolution Therapy!

By Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP

Certified Practitioner, Rapid Resolution Therapy     

A few years back I was struggling to jump free of the printed musical page and start creating improvisations of my own. I love the way the saxophone sounds, and I love some of the beautiful take-offs the jazz greats could do on time-honored melodies. It was nothing less than the ability to compose music in the moment, while keeping within the overall choral framework of the tune. It was what Billie Holiday could do with her voice and what Stan Getz and John Coltrane did with their horns.

But I just didn't trust myself. I got concerned about the ratio of sounding lousy about 98 percent of the time and only sounding passably "correct" the other 2 percent. Even when I heard something pleasant in my head, I noticed my thoughts fearfully returning to fundamentals right in the middle of a passage--the equivalent of asking myself out loud if I was doing it right or not. Needless to say, this is not conducive to improvisation. It's the condition in RRT we call "headlights turned in," and it's the opposite of the creative freedom that comes of being tuned in to what's going on.

I think the same thing happens after many of us come through Level I, Level II, and even Level III trainings. We go back to the confines of our office and start to stumble around and doubt ourselves. We fall into shame about not being able to always hit the right note and begin comparing ourselves to the towering prowess of a master clinician, like Connelly or some illusory template. We forget that what we saw in trainings was the distillation of hundreds if not thousands of hours of searching and stumbling; that he is constantly trying out new stuff, throwing this away, but keeping that, refining it even further. Improvisation for Jon is the normal process and is exactly how RRT came into existence.

I've noticed on the teleconference calls so many of us are asking questions about why Jon chose to clear a client with one combination of interventions and not another. Why did he put the induction at the end or not use one at all? Why did he pass over an initial issue the client voiced and go with a different, more central one? How does he know to do what he does? Why can't we have a simple template that will fitour clients in every situation?

The answer lies in what Jon has put right at the heart of the whole method--a certain confidence in the connection and the centrality of continually reading the participant. He is constantly reading a persons responsiveness, looking at the effects he is having, while keeping his intention for the participant clearly in mind. An avenue that worked nicely with the last one starts to not work with this one, so he switches up to a different tool. I once heard him say in response to a slight miss in a live demonstration, "That's all right, there are a lot of keys on the keyring." While working within the rubrics of keeping the intention at all times, he is not afraid to experiment with what comes to mind.

We need to trust the vast storehouse of our own unconscious which is packaged in stories and metaphors. Though not an example from RRT I experienced this in action just the other day. I was with a shamed husband, shamed because of not being able to keep his wife happy at all times. He got triggered by her tears and so distressed was he that he suddenly bolted out of his chair, ready to quit the session.

I was at a loss for what to say as he was already half-way out of the room. But all of a sudden a memory from my wrestling days flashed back. It was 1972 and I was team captain, enjoying some celebrity in my high school. One day the athletic director and coaches brought in a blind kid who was interested in the sport. It was some sort of interface with the parks and rec program, and they wanted him to experience a team practice and a live bout so they paired him with me for one two-minute period. I remember his name was Jimmy, and he wanted so badly to do well. But when he went to perform the basic moves he had learned in the parks and rec program, I was able to block him easily.

Frustrated, he burst out in tears. With a lot of people looking on, I was sure I'd blown it. His display became a statement about me and connoted my failure to successfully introduce him to the sport. I was sure everyone was looking at me as some kind of jerk. Embarrassed, I rushed out of the practice room and stormed into the locker room, kicking stuff around for a half-hour in a shame attack. It was not my finest hour. Back in the session, I told the husband this story quickly, ending with, "I think I understand something about what you just went through a moment ago as you saw your wife's tears." He sat back down nodding his agreement.

I'd say that was the turning point of the session. It felt like a tremendous risk, but by going with it, I connected with him. And by not talking about, but showing vulnerability, I helped him get to back into connection with her. Needless to say, I didn't have time to consult any manuals or call a supervisor or review teaching tapes to weigh the wisdom of such a disclosure. And notice this: I had not thought of that incident in more than 40 years. But precisely at the right moment, my mind showed it to me, and how to use it.

I think the way to learn RRT is a lot like learning jazz. We have to practice our basic scales by listening to tapes and watching video of various sequences to learn the scaffolding of the method. There are many new principles in RRT that overturn what we learned in graduate school, and it takes awhile to assimilate this. But with enough listening and watching, a storehouse builds up from which we can draw. There is no boilerplate formula or a map that will guide every case. Instead there is a songbook of basic tunes with many possible touches and flourishes that we can make our own and add to as the situation calls for it.

We return to our offices and face real people in the midst of real pain, ready to have an interaction that has never appeared in history before. It is time to go live with whatever we've got, and trust that the words will be there. It's time to trust the intention we have for the client who is leaning into being understood in his or her uniqueness and following us all the way to target. It is time to take out our instrument and play the music of RRT. And when, inevitably, we face choices about where to go next, to simply trust whatever comes to mind.

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution (2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.  

Clearing Shame With RRT

By Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP

Certified Practitioner, Rapid Resolution Therapy    

 

In this article, I would like to explore the dimensions of shame as it relates to problems we may encounter in practice, particularly with some persons who have suffered deep wounds of victimization, denigration, and humiliation and for whom making contact poses a major hurdle.

The Contours of Shame

Deep shame is not about making mistakes, but being mistake. Therefore, a person comes in with a sense of being defective, inferior, and needing to hide. The compulsion to hide and get away from shame is crucial and modulates their ability to meet, as the person is on the lookout for further hurt, perhaps determined to not be seen or show up. For the shamed person, relationships are dangerous. If you are unacceptable and that becomes exposed, you could be further shamed, cast out or left. We have to recognize that deep attachment and therefore, survival fears are being activated at this point. What the old mammalian brain knows is that social rejection is tantamount to death. If you don't hide and let the threat pass over, it may cost you your life.

So clearly for some there is a far more debilitating experience underway than we might ordinarily suspect. Shame is a powerful force. It drives intention and behavior, which is to remain hidden and safe. It becomes paramount to prevent too close physical proximity to another and to thwart the discovery of unacceptable parts of or facts about the self.

The Client's Dilemma 

As we think about it, the person is in quite a bind. If they answer our questions, they risk exposure and the realization of their deepest fears. But if they go the other way and dodge or refuse our questions, they risk activating our administrative option to discontinue the meeting. They understand we are in authority, and they are challenging our protocol. They risk disobedience, our displeasure and termination of the relationship right at the outset. 

However, most counselors wouldn't end a relationship simply because of a client not answering. A deeper part of the mind doesn't think on that nuanced a level. It's in survival mode, and the intent is focused on getting the threat to stop. If I don't comply, I'm screwed. But if I do comply and disclose the unacceptable, I'll be screwed and lose the relationship anyway. Checkmate. The urge to withdraw or a paralyzed shutting down usually wins out.

As a side note about counselor questions, one can never know what will trigger shame. Loaded questions like "What did you go to prison for?" or "What led to your divorce?" or "How is your sexual intimacy?" are obviously tricky under the best of circumstances. But I've seen people shut down when asked even relatively benign questions such as: "Are you and your children in contact?" "How much school have your had?" "What is your family like?" "What do you do for work?" We may feel as if we are just doing our job in good faith with non-judgmental acceptance, warmth, and genuineness. But indeed, the very process of being questioned can feel to some folks like dental surgery without anesthesia.

Shame's Effect on Process: Incoherence

Shame is among the most negative and disruptive of feelings. It fragments and de-stabilizes our ongoing experience. Alexis Johnson writes, "At the most severe level of shame, we are afraid of any kind of self-expression because to be seen is to be seen as dirty, disgusting, worthless and unlovable."

The result in counseling is a progressive shutting down and incoherence. Johnson traces the following five steps in a sequence:

• The first sign is a shift in eye contact. We lower our eyes and break off our gaze. We lower our heads and droop our shoulders.
• Second, our ability to perceive reality shifts. We become unable to see or hear clearly what is going on around us.
• Third, shame interferes with thinking, and we automatically defend ourselves in various ways. We try to get away from this noxious feeling to the extent that we cannot think, cannot problem solve, and certainly cannot be creative.
• Fourth, shame interrupts our emotions and emotional communication, limiting intimacy and empathy. Shame can interfere with anything and everything from the joy of sex to the joy of ideas.
• Fifth, I would add the explicit element of incoherence. The client may start a sentence two or three times, may show high ambivalence, may repeat out of context phrases or mix historical narrative with painful realizations and self-critical commentary, may shift contexts without a conversational point of reference, or use 'I dunno' excessively. The variants are endless, but the growing incoherence is telling.

Shame is a Powerful Tuning Fork

In the delicate business of forming a container for our work, we are using the self as an instrument of connection. This containing relationship must support both parties for a meeting to take place that may be transformative. Shame hits a note that shakes this delicate formation unlike any other and can quickly reverberate, like two tuning forks in close proximity. Counselors must be aware of the power of shame in the room and of their own shame issues and not be hypnotized by any of it. Often it will register with the therapist as a sense that the session is not going well. We can escalate, in that moment or afterward, our feelings of incompetence, stupidity, or not up being to the task. 

These are variants on the experience of being ashamed. I like Johnson's observation that more often our response is subtler. We do not feel a huge inner jolt, but a vague sense of being confused, uneasy, weird, helpless and so on. It is helpful to know when those words pop into consciousness that we are in the vicinity of shame. If we don't recognize we are carrying shame about the success of the relationship or perhaps other personal matters the client's story or behavior touches on, we are likely to slip into the trance of self-preservation. We may develop unhealthy polarizations like the "healthy-therapist-and-sick-patient" (p.235).  Overt or covert pathologizing is a sure signal that we've lost our way. And if we aren't aware of what's happening, we can surely become poisonous in our need to defend ourselves. I find in such moments the thing that always brings me back on track is my single-minded intention for the participant.

Conclusion

The implications of shame and its workings in the first sessions are many. In Rapid Resolution Therapy we are taught several ways of clearing shame. But here I simply want to hold the spotlight on how disruptive to forming the connection that shame can be. The person may not "get" your question about what they want to accomplish. They may not "get" a lot of things you are saying to them. As cognition and the emotional ability to read another breaks down and shame ramps up, you'll see a rising discomfort or a confusion about steps of the method or your statements. You'll notice the incoherence, both expressively and receptively. They may stumble with the request to form a design or not catch hold of the model because they are cognitively narrowed, overwhelmed, and intensely concerned with how far short of the model they fall, and how they'd appear, particularly if they did it "wrong." They may feel easily offended by some of our metaphors and stories, such as wolf and rabbit or references to the goat part of the brain. They may not be able to trust an induction procedure, for fear of losing control.

All of these are signs to drop back and take care of the connection. It's good to develop a repertoire of ways to get the client present, such as kidding with them, with gentle warmth and humor, to get with you or check out if you are treating each other okay. You can give them the upper hand by casting them in the role of teacher to a hypothetical younger person whose thinking is held hostage to one of the forms of stuckness or other disturbing beliefs.

At its extreme, shame can form a fork in the road. If the Rapid Resolution Therapist plows ahead through the steps of the method, he or she goes down one road and risks dragging a participant along for the ride who remains silently scared or stiffening into their habitual mindset, which ultimately doesn't let the shift occur. You risk tripping on the hoop of disagreement and your client sitting there with an internal IT'S NOT HAPPENING mindset. If the counselor takes the other fork, the session or progression of sessions may take longer, because of the need for safety. We may have to "slice it thinner," i.e., move toward tiny, provisional targets that are within the participant's bandwidth of tolerance. Or spend some time just building up experiences of successful understanding. We may have to drop back at various points and take care of the alliance and provide safety, through our humor, reassurance, uplift, and repeated demonstrations of interest and understanding.

(Alexis Johnson. Healing Shame. THE HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGIST, 34(3), 223-242. Copyright © 2006, Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.)

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution (2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.   

Guest RRT Blogger Mark Chidley: When Something Is Split Off

“Man, I just can’t get myself going.” I know the lawn needs cutting, and I even bought a $900 riding mower, but when I go out there and go to get on it and turn that key, I just hate it. I find myself saying, “The hell with it. I don’t care if it grows two feet, I’m not cutting it.”

In my work with hoarders I’m finding what lies beneath procrastination is often frozen or split off hurtful experiences. We isolate these and banish them to the nether regions of our minds where they continue to cast a shadow and have an effect. In RapidResolution Therapy we learn that after laying a strong foundation of connection and clearing major abusive incidents, there are sometimes “minor” incidents that still rise to the front to be taken care of and likewise cleared up. With mind already shifting and looking forward toward the new life we’ve intended together with the client, mind can now safely scan back and pick out just the right incident or string of incidents that still casts a shadow.

The fellow above had actually gotten his home about 90% cleaned up but found that certain “chores” still brought up the old resistance and the urge to give up in disgust. I asked him to stay with the picture of the ongoing success that we both knew about and, while staying with that, let mind scan back and pick out something that needed clearing. Without hesitation he went to age 12 when his dad would make him cut the front yard with an old rotary push mower and cut it again and again until it was just right. 

He then made him transplant all the tulips, weed the entire flower bed, basically expecting the performance of a professional landscaper out of his son. If anything was amiss, he would dismiss him, sending him away, to do some lesser task inside the house. In other words, at age 12, if he couldn’t function like a professional, he would get demoted on the spot, treated as a rather useless day laborer and dismissed from his father’s favor. He continued, “I remember getting so frustrated with the whole thing, I’d just kick the shovels, kick the mower, and throw bags of dirt around.” He hadn’t thought about any of this consciously in years and years, and yet here it was still casting a shadow.

So I had him join me in looking back on the boy.  I told him we or no one else would look at that kid as reacting differently or worse than any other kid on the block. He was in the middle of a tough situation and he was surviving, just getting through it in the best way he knew how. Nothing happening there said anything about him. Certainly no impartial bystander would expect a kid in that situation to handle it better and most would wonder what was going on for the dad to put all that on the kid. From a more enlightened spot in the present, where we both realized he was now in terms of being an adult with 90% of his home cleared, I had him look back and watch as the boy watched us with what we realized, and slowly start to get what we knew. I asked him to watch for the change in the boy’s eyes, watch for a certain light coming into the eyes, the sign that he was getting it. He saw it, opened his eyes, and nodded his head, breathing a big sigh.

The next time we met he greeted me with a wry grin. “You know for the last couple weeks, I’ve been making a game of mowing the lawn.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Well, there are a couple little boys that live next door. They watch me out of their window. So I went and asked their mom if it’d be okay if I let them ride on the mower with me. She said, ‘Sure’. So I bring them up in the seat and just for a moment let them take the wheel and try keeping it in a straight line. I keep my hand on the wheel, give it a bump if they lose their line, but just let them give it a try. The mom came up to me the other day telling me how they came in that night and couldn’t stop talking about riding on the mower. What a big kick they’d gotten out of that. And that helps me, ’cause I see what fun they’re having.”

When things that have been split off are reunited, the part of the self stuck in that experience is reabsorbed. As the experience is made part of the self again in a way that’s okay, mind frees all sorts of energy.  It takes all that inspiration, and puts pen to paper in new ways–ways that are unpredictable, poetic, and amazing to behold. The energy freed up from things in the past joins the energy that comes together with the combined intention of therapist and client, and as Jon Connelly so often states, it has to expand, it can’t go anywhere else but to source. It fuels the total transformation of the client stepping into his or her new life now, fully present, clear, flexible, with mind bringing into awareness all sorts of new benefits and possibilities. I couldn’t have planned a more elegant application of the use of this energy. His mind did it perfectly.

(Note: All stories are shared here with client’s permission. Names are omitted to protect confidentiality.)

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution(2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.

Guest RRT Blogger Mark Chidley: Guerilla Connection

There is a famous story that Milton Erickson used to tell about the studies of Margaret Mead, Jane Belo, and Gregory Bateson when they went to Bali in the 1930′s. They found the Balinese people can go into a deep trance at a blink and in fact can do things like go to the market, accomplish their shopping, even visit a neighbor–all while in a trance. Autohypnosis is part of their daily life. The three famous researchers actually brought back movies of this occurring for Erickson to examine. Of course it didn’t surprise him; he recognized this is not a culturally specific phenomenon, but pointed out that for all peoples, trance is a rather ordinary everyday experience (My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton Erickson, edited and commentary by Sidney Rosen, p.74). Erickson himself was legendary for recognizing hypnotherapeutic opportunities and making lightning-fast use of them.

Rapid Resolution therapists are keenly interested in making rapid connections with our clients and making best use of these naturally occurring states.  We could, in the best sense of the term, call this Guerilla Connection. We want the world to drop away for the client, to grab their complete attention, and to create a special kind of joining experience, because it sets up a profound receptivity to our healing interventions. There are subtle changes that indicate a client’s “response attentiveness.” They will vary a bit from person to person but could include a flattening of facial expressions, staring, absence of blinking, and almost complete immobility.

This can be created in multiple ways: as we demonstrate interest and understanding in their situation; as we use appropriate humor and become interesting, even intriguing, to the client; as we provide uplift, separating identity from illness language and using tense changes to locate trouble in the past; as we use voice to create pauses, tonal emphases, or duplicate word choice, rate and volume of speech; as we use our own body to mirror posture and rate of breathing; as we listen to stories from their personal lives and catch certain signs of trance, particularly rich, sensory-laden words that are anchoring an experience that is pivotal for them. I’m remembering one lady who started telling me about being able to smell her deceased mother’s perfume sometimes. In retrospect, I missed that one.  I only needed to tell her “That’s it. Stay with that” and she would have slipped into an immediate connection, a connection she had previously been blocked from.

A person’s language can tell a lot about their preferred channel for forming connection. Someone sharing with you something from “the way they see it” or from their “point of view” is likely to favor visual input. But not everyone is visual or adept at creating images in their mind’s eye.  Another person may emphasize the verbs “hear” or “say” in their reports of experience, or what something “sounded like” to them; they may automatically assume they must recite large fragments of conversation for you to get what they experienced. Such a person favors auditory input. And, of course, others will “lean toward” being “in touch with” something,  or the “feel” of an experience. They will even demonstrate with their bodies through shudders, shrugs, and shifts of posture whether they were “comfortable” or not with something. These are the kinesthetic folk.

Of course, Guerilla Connection works both ways. The other day as I was checking out of a restaurant and paying for the meal at the counter, a sudden sneeze came on me. One of those that tickle for a while and work its way up, that you try your hardest not to have. As my hand went up instinctively to protect others from the spray I thought sure was coming, the cashier mirrored my hand and raised hers suddenly to her own nose while her eyes riveted me. The raising of the hand to cover the mouth and nose is a universal gesture that she recognized and used to join me. While shaking her head “No” she ordered me to say “Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon” three times!  I looked at her in amazement because it sounded urgent and ridiculous, like the words “Ab-ra Ca-da-bra” before the climactic moment of a magic trick. I obeyed like a schoolboy and said the magic word “Watermelon” three times. And you know what, it worked! Not only no sneeze, but the tickle completely vanished. In about 2.5 seconds she had created a “purposeful communication utilizing connection, credibility, and effective language to get the desired response from the subconscious.” She had done a Guerilla Connection on me and performed a mini piece of good-samaritan therapy.

I’m just amazed by language and all the other ways we communicate and how, as a species, we connect in the everyday to help each other. As you sit down with someone, or even as they walk into your office, keep all channels open and you may find a way to do a Guerilla Connection and make something very powerful happen fast.

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution(2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.

Guest Blogger Mark Chidley: Demonstrating Interest and Demonstrating Understanding!

Demonstrating Interest and Demonstrating Understanding!

By Mark Chidley, LMHC, Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist

Demonstrating interest and demonstrating understanding are at the heart of creating a connection and form the first two steps of an RRT session. Iʼll start with some of the preliminary considerations and realities that form a foundation for the two steps.

From the first you want to watch your participant. From the moment they sit across from you, be on the lookout for what is going on for them. Are there tears forming behind their eyes, a stiffness or flatness in their face or voice tone; how far away do they sit and how far back into their chair do they recline? We are all trained to notice these features, but unlike other therapies, in RRT we do not comment on body language or anything that would increase self-consciousness and hurt the connection. Just take in the information silently. I think of this as my first baseline, to measure what effect Iʼm having as I go along.

The question that starts the session is some version of: “Iʼm interested in what you would like our meeting to attend to or accomplish?”

If the participant has come in because itʼs somebodyʼs elseʼs idea or has read or heard that they must have some kind of feeling, problem, or issue, Jon will slow the session right here and probe for the participantʼs actual experience, their own hopes, goals, etc. We donʼt necessarily follow what other therapists might see as a next treatment step and participants may come in with preconceived, erroneous ideas about treatment. Or they may have no definite idea whatsoever of why they are there or what they want to accomplish. In any case, Jon conveys greater respect by giving room for the person to see if there has been something that has been affecting mind and allow room to try to articulate it for themselves. He is not necessarily constrained to follow what the participant then says, but the participant will surely get the message that Jon is interested in his or her unique experience as a person. And them getting the experience of being cared for like that right now in the session what weʼre after.

In the first few moments, combining what you see and notice with what they say, you form a target in your mind for how you want them to leave the session. Forming a target early matters because we donʼt want to swing wildly or mindlessly in just any direction with our words any more than a sculptor would swing at the rock with his hammer without first forming an image of what he desired. Instead, we want all our words to be causing the effect we have in mind and moving the person toward a better state of health. We stand a lot better chance of getting there with a target in mind. We keep our target open to refinement as more information pours in. Our words are like a sculptorʼs choice of type of hammer or chisel size. We should always be able to answer the question, “Why did I just ask or say that--what was the effect I had in mind?”

At times the participant may not have to even speak very much or have any clear notion of a goal for you to form your target. Jon has reminded us anyone who grew up in this culture has likely been affected by moralism. Almost everyone you see is still being affected by past events that are still casting a shadow Others by some form of stuckness--thinking from negation, disappearing present, introspection, identity as pathology, etc. It is worth clearing any of these. Jon will listen for forms of stuckness and/or unworkable targets the participant has chosen (e.g., having more “self-esteem” or chasing“self-confidence”) and usually steers them toward a better target he has in mind. Targets may line up in a natural order. For instance, you may focus on clearing drug cravings in one session with a participant in recovery and attend to busting ghosts from their past abuse in a subsequent session. Which target to choose? In general, itʼs the one most salient or relevant to the participantʼs immediate well-being, but, again, we donʼt have to assume they will have it clearly in their mind. Thatʼs our responsibility.

As the participant answers our opening question, we start to demonstrate interest. An appropriate response that does this is “I want to understand”, said with a pause and as an invitation. This usually fits well because almost no one can say in a sentence or two all of what has been bothering them. It invites the person to go on and add what could be crucial information. It also demonstrates your sincere interest. Jon will even go so far as to state he doesnʼt want to try to understand someone else through the lens of his own life experience, but thinks a better place to start is to listen to how they put it. I have always found participants appreciative of this. Other “legal” questions such as “What have I missed?” and “What else should I know to assist you with this?” serve this purpose as well.

We do not ask questions out of clinical curiosity or just to fill out a biopsychosocial history. The participant experiences this as leaving what they just told you and asking about stuff that is of more interest to you. You may ask for a little background info youʼll find relevant to getting an accurate picture of the personʼs situation which will enhance your target, but this is usually kept to a bare minimum--only that which further clarifies the target. A couple well placed questions about work, school, or current endeavors will round out your picture and tell you about their strengths. If the participant tells of hard experiences already lived through, these likewise provide a potential gold mine for feeding back strengths or utilizing later in some of our interventions. For instance, a time of accomplishment or productivity can be used as a platform from which to have the participant stand and look back on a younger, struggling self. It is a worse outcome to stumble ahead with the wrong picture or with the client sitting in silent doubt about our “getting them”, so if you need more info, go ahead and err on the side of asking for it.

When we go to demonstrate understanding, our words must do the following:

a. avoid disagreement and, ideally, hit the heart of the matter b. must not be poisonous or make the participant worse c. must speak directly to the subconscious d. must match emotional tone appropriate to the subject matter e. must provide uplift

f. must move the participant along

This is a tricky list and takes a lot of practice to pull off all at once and makes our method different from almost every other form of intervention. We are balancing accuracy (a) with all the rest (b-f). For instance, (f) requires more than a simple reflection. An accurate reflection, as most counselors would do it, will not cause disagreement, but leaves the participant essentially in the same place. But if we add “and youʼre looking to move forward with this”, or something like it, the participant gets the sense of optimism and momentum at hand, and that weʼre going to get something done. Similarly, a brief, solution-focused therapist might hear a participantʼs opening statement and ask, “How will you know or what will it feel like when youʼve gotten (insert issue) working better?”The participant could give a picture of improvement or simply say “Iʼd be feeling better”, but inside be feeling let down, like they are far from better or that the counselor just missed the emotional pain and tone of their message (d).

Jon has taught us many ways to execute a-f, like the wedge, the invisible tense change, recognizing strengths, putting the positive last, etc. Stepping back, we realize there were so many ways of talking about problems that were drilled into us in our prior training that actually locate identity with pathology. We strive to avoid saying anything that puts responsibility for the problem onto the participant or puts it into their idenity by making it about them. Sometimes the negative effect of a commonly accepted phrase or word (that seems innocuous) is very subtle, and like the Trojan Horse of old, carries in the enemy--negative meanings we didnʼt intend, but which the participantʼs subconscious picks up, nonetheless. We want to do the opposite of what most of our colleagues do--we want to protect identity and provide uplift. A table of these negative phrases and alternatives to them is available in the basic manual.

The connection is either being enhanced or being damaged from the very first moments of the session. An RRT therapist is well aware of that and keeps a keen, weather eye on it at all times. We use demonstrating interest and demonstrating understanding as the first two steps to get connection underway. Keep watching your participant. At any hesitation, pause, downturn of features, holding of breath, increase of silence or return to superficial responding, donʼt be afraid to go back and clarify understandings or choose different wording, It will salvage the connection. Invite them to tweak or tune up of what you just said. Participants donʼt mind a few misses if you keep showing your respect and desire to understand.

Whether or not we step into this sacred space is actually not a choice. Participants are good hypnotists and they present life predicaments that can be as riveting as any movie in their drama and pathos. They are there because they have lost their way. We donʼt want to be the one being hypnotized, lost along with them. Get your target early and keep it in mind as you go along and keep watching your participant for the effect you are having.

At a recent Level III, Jon used three separate sessions to give us practice with this stage of the model. Everybody seems to struggle with it. Iʼve noticed my own tendency is to sometimes jump forward into the next stage of the method without first letting the participant know Iʼve heard what they took the trouble to say to me, even though I internally registered it. Iʼm learning that in these first opening moments itʼs crucial to stay very close to what the person conveyed, because the alliance is fragile and the connection is still forming. Once it is formed, all the rest flows much more easily and works to the participantʼs benefit. A strong connection is the magnet that we use to get them into the light with their mind cleared.

I finish by saying Iʼve distilled here what Iʼve heard Jon say consistently over the course of several trainings and teleconferences throughout 2011-2012. Iʼve drawn it together in the hopes it will solidify some things for my fellow RRTʼers and accelerate the learning of the newer folks as we all become more and more skilled at using this amazing method.

Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist, CAP, a fully licensed mental health counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution(2010), Imago Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.