By Mark Chidley, LMHC, CAP
Some
people pursue feeling good about themselves like a hobby. It reminds me of the
little boy prodded by his mom to kiss his aunt at the family reunion. As far as
it's contrived, forced, and not genuine, neither the aunt nor the little boy
get anything out of it. It seems self-esteem comes through other means than by
grasping for it or trying to manipulate it into being. I'd like to share this
excerpt from Ron Siegel's contribution to NICABM which was recently posted online.
Siegel, a Ph.D, and one of the leading lights on mindfulness studies said,
"There
has been a lot of work done recently - Kristin Neff has probably done the most
research on this, and Chris Germer has done a lot of work with this - basically
showing that self-esteem doesn't contribute to happiness. So, I work with folks
a lot to try to help them see how the whole quest for self-worth is actually a
doomed enterprise, and that seeing the way the mind creates these feelings that
either I am worthy, or I am unworthy, or I am good, or I am bad, or I'm capable
or I'm incapable - that these are just an endless, narrative report card that
keeps passing through the mind."
In Rapid Resolution Therapy, we zero in on this disturbance as we consider with
participants how a wolf thinks while chasing a rabbit. The wolf, whose mind
can't consider itself, like a human mind can, would never think, "Oh, I wonder
if my coat is glistening today?" Her mind is totally tuned-up, present-focused
on what she's doing. If the wolf catches the rabbit she doesn't pause to feel
good about herself either. She actually doesn't feel anything about herself at
all.
If you
ask a concert pianist how he feels right after a magnificent performance, he
might say that he feels exhilarated. But when you ask him why, he'd explain it
was because he was totally into the music. He got absorbed in it; he gave
himself to it. But it wouldn't be because he was appreciating his own
qualities, like his finger dexterity, as he played. The whole question of how
he was feeling about himself during the act of performing would strike him as
absurd.
Likewise,
if you were to interview an Olympic sprinter right after running a career-high
time or an NFL pass receiver making catch after catch as his team marched downfield,
the answer you'd get about how they felt would be something like, "I dunno, I
was just in the zone. It felt great." There is an exquisite, joyful awareness
of time, movement, the act of creation, and intense involvement as the play or
the symphony develops, but it is not about one's self. At the height of this
kind of experience, the self actually disappears. The headlights are out, not
in.
Some
get stuck on the notion that they don't feel good because of how someone else
once treated them. It's a done deal, they think. I was mistreated; therefore I
missed out. Or they think it's a mysterious puzzle that they and their
therapist must solve in order to feel good again. I like Jon Connolly's story
about the psychiatrist who showed one guy an inkblot. The patient said, "The
family is all in the garden. How nice." He showed it to the next patient who
reacted, "My God, get that man away from that little girl. How horrible!" Now
what did the psychiatrist learn about the inkblot? Nothing. He already knew about
ink and forming inkblots. He sure might have learned something about the two
patients, however. We need to help people get it that when they bump up against
certain people in life, they are the inkblot. We can't learn anything about
them through the actions or reactions of others.
I
listen closely to the language of troubled people. Somewhere along the line
they bought into the mistaken idea that there is a hole within them that must
be filled, some experience, talent or trait that other people have in an
unknown quantity. That if they just had enough of it, they'd be happy. Now they
have to go out and get it, as if it's outside somewhere. What they're after
they often call confidence or self-esteem. It's a bunch of hogwash. It's not
how it works.
Keeping
the headlights out is a truth we ought to be transmitting more and more to
clients who come in our doors. There is a mountain of pure baloney out there,
promulgated through popular literature, self-appointed "coaches" and
traditional counseling theory that would send people in the wrong direction.
They read or listen to all the pap and become experts in analyzing themselves,
measuring themselves against some ideal, going further and further in
manipulating and thus objectifying themselves. There is an implicit
unfriendliness in this, a rejection going on here that deeper mind does not
miss. They are getting further away from the joy of participation, of giving
oneselfunselfconsciously to the task at hand, the creation of beauty in
the moment. That, it seems to me, is what paves the way to mastery and
confidence, happiness and deep contentment. Just ask any wolf.
Mark A. Chidley, LMHC, CAP, a fully licensed mental health
counselor and certified addictions professional, offers counseling services at
his office Kelly San Carlos Executive Center in Fort Myers, Florida.He has been in private practice
since 1997. He holds certifications in Rapid Trauma Resolution (2010), Imago
Relationship therapy (2001), and now specializes in the treatment of couples as
well as individual trauma recovery and anxiety issues. He brings rich experience
from a combined 26 years of hospital work and mental health counseling.
client
who had a deep fear of driving on large highways. (I tried to find an actual
phobia name for fear of driving on a highway, but I couldn't find one.) She could drive around her small town and go
to work and the grocery store, etc. But to drive into the city or even come see
me, it meant having to drive on a large highway system and thus she had to have
someone bring her to her RRT appointments. So in her second session we tackled
that with great success. She even drove home feeling completely calm and
confident! 
Be happy - Tara
Addictive
behavior has nothing to do with mental health. There are people who are
emotionally disturbed and mentally ill who have never and will never become
addicted. It has nothing to do with strength of character or will power. There
are addicts who are best-selling authors, mountain climbers, body builders, and
concert pianists. There are people with no morality or ethics who have never
become addicted just as there are compassionate and highly ethical people who
have.
Melinda Paige, Ed.S,
LMHC, LPC, NCC is the Executive Director for the Institute for Rapid
Resolution Therapy and is currently an RRT Master Certified Practitioner
after training with Dr. Connelly for the last six years. She has been
treating survivors of trauma for the last fifteen years as well as
providing counseling training at universities and conferences throughout
the nation.